If You Don’t Like Ants

If you don’t like teeny tiny ants everywhere in your home, no matter what you spray, how clean you are, how well you seal and package your food, or what season it is, don’t move to South Florida.  You must learn to be at peace with the ants.  Ommmmmm

Never Too Old for Sex

Should nursing home residents be “allowed” to get laid?  A sad, funny and true article!

http://www.slate.com/id/2192178/

Things That Go Bump in the Night

Do you ever think of something, and then out of nowhere, it happens?  Or even a few days later?  I am not talking about thinking of spaghetti, and then making it for dinner later.  I mean something out of your control.  Lately this has been happening a lot, and it is spooking me out.

I am scared of the dark.  I admit it.  When I am home alone (well, alone with my daughter) I turn on a few lights and keep them on when I go to bed.  I also like to fall asleep with the TV on to drown out any boogeyman noises.  We have an alarm system, so hopefully that will keep the real ones out. Or at least help me from worrying about someone sneaking in through my daughters window and snatching her in the middle of the night.  Sometimes when my husband is gone, I have to take Benadryl or Xanax (which I MOST greatly thank the drug gods for) so I can stop listening for things and getting panicky and fall asleep.

Last night, I heard a weird noise in the hallway.  Maya was asleep, and my husband is still out of town.  I immediately turned on TV so I wouldn’t get spooked by anything else.  I grabbed the remote, and flipped it on, thinking hey, I wish I could catch a Sex and the City rerun.  Perfect to fall asleep to.  I pictured the one where Miranda thinks she has a ghost in her apartment (and Steve and Aiden open their own bar).  I turned to TBS, hoping to get lucky, and there it was.  THE EXACT SAME EPISODE I was just thinking about. So of course, I had to turn the channel since it was just to weird.  Does this happen to you?  Why does this happen?  Help!

Climbing Mt. Crib

I was exhausted all morning, and looked forward to Maya’s nap with more excitement than you could ever imagine.

I read her stories, brushed her teeth, turned her music on, and let her get into her crib (she REFUSES to let me lift her in, she makes me lower the rail and let her climb in). I kissed her and raised the rail. I shut the door behind me, and took my pre-nap trip to the bathroom. I flushed, and as I walked through the kitchen heard “Maya, yeah, yup, yes, Maya do it”. The voice seemed very close. Almost like it was coming from THE HALLWAY. I said, “Where’s Maya? Maya?”

And a tiny person peeked out from around the corner and grinned at me. Which meant she climbed out, and didn’t fall (I don’t think, since there was no BOOM or BANG or THUD or crying). Then opened the door, and wandered around looking for me. Damn.

Do You Like Farts?

My husband sent this to me.  How romantic.

If you are grossed out by farts (why would you?  They are funny!), don’t say I didn’t warn you…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ofn8-3SWd8M

Ommmm

Go do Yoga. Please, you will thank me later.

I used to think it was slooooooooooowwwwwwwww and worthless. All the stillness, stretching, meditating, weird positions you had to get into.

I HAVE CHANGED MY MIND!

It is great to get the hell away from your mind*, and stretch and relax a screwed up back.

Plus, you are out of the house for over an hour and a half and, gasp, by yourself.
The End.
*which is full of child, husband, house, work, computer, phone, washing machine, bills

Bodily Functions Are Funny

Maya burped louder than her daddy last night.  I think it was the loudest noise that she has ever made. It scared her for a second, until she realized, hey, that was cool.
We laughed so hard, and Maya covered her face with her hands and laughed. She bent over,  giggled, and was sort of embarrassed.  And pleased with herself.  As she should have been.
That was followed by a firing of missiles, to which she responded with another laugh and said, ” “tooting!”

Snorey McFarterson

Why must my loving wonderful husband wait until he is in bed to fart up a storm?  The kind that smells so bad you MUST leave the room or at least the bed, turn on the ceiling fan, and search for fresh air?

Oh yeah, he is paralyzed and can’t hold in his farts.  Like he would if he could.

I am Selfish and Mean and Judgemental

Dear (insert your name here),

If you are not interested in how mean I am, and my self analysis and therapy session I had with myself, then quit reading this post now. If you choose to read, it is important to read this whole damn thing, so you understand.  Please don’t send me anything gross in the mail, or think I hate anyone mentioned in this post. It is quite the opposite.

I am self conscious and concerned about what other people think of me because I know what mean things I think about other people. I not only think mean things, I judge them, make fun of them all the time, based on stupid shit like appearances, and am awful because of it. They probably think nothing of me. I am projecting my negative self image and low self esteem onto them.

I am trying to train myself to be a better person. I find myself frequently wondering what others think of me. What do they think when they see what I am wearing? That I look too slutty, too frumpy, too young to be a mom, or just plain stupid? Do they look at me and think I am conceited, too good for them, or a dumb blonde? When they see me with my husband, do they think something different of me? I know they do. Then they look at me like I am more patient and kind than they would have thought, like I am a “nice person”. That is because he is in a wheelchair.

When people see me pulling into a handicapped space in the parking lot, do they think I am being lazy or rude? How do their thoughts change when they see me pull a stroller and wheelchair out of the trunk? Then do they believe me?

I am a judger of people as well. I don’ mean to be. I get mad when I see cars in the handicapped spots, taking up a space where my husband could have parked. I know they could have some heart problems or soemthing. But honestly, most of the cars I see parked in handicapped spaces have no Handiman sign hanging up.  They are not limping, nor do they appear to be in pain, confined to a wheelchair, etc. I get really pissed when I see they are just fat that makes them unable to walk far.  Which is why they are fat.  Endless cycle? They are making an effort not to walk a little farther or eat better. They are not paralyzed and unable to feel anything or walk or get on top of their wives to to have sex. It’s not like it is necessary for him to be closer to the store. He needs the extra room to assemble and get into his chair. And when motorcycles park in those cross hatched areas by the spaces, I get SO. PISSED. OFF.

So I am judgmental and mean. Last night I saw just how my mind works in this way and felt very guilty, sad, angry, and apologetic.

I like to read Dooce. I may be addicted to it. Almost every day I turn on the computer, I somehow migrate to her page. And I am entertained, sometimes laugh, and yesterday, cry. I think, hey, I want to meet her, she is someone I would be friends with. I would like to have a drink or ten with her and just hang out.

The author, Heather, has a four year old daughter. I have ofter wondered, when will she have another baby? Maybe she is too busy and has a profitable career and now doesn’t want one. Well, good for you Heather Armstrong. I bet you think I must be boring and have no goals and no ambitions and dreams of my own. I probably don’t have a life. Because I do want another baby, am begging for one, trying to convince my husband that it is time to try again. Does she want one? Is she one of those “have only one kid” kinda people, because I think everyone should have a brother or sister or someone to play with/get in trouble with. I think it is, actually necessary. Don’t send me hate mail on this, I dont care.

I also think, her life must be fun. She goes on trips, has lots of dough from this website, she is always talking about how wonderful her husband is, has family nearby, friends, a cute kid, etc. And the girl can write. But I read her current page, and then felt guiltier then a motherf*#%$r for thinking all those things. I am a mean girl. I am sorry Heather. I hope that everything that you are going through doesn’t hurt too much, that you can heal, and I want you to have everything you deserve. You are a fun, witty, enviable woman who makes my day a bit brighter. DO what you gotta do, smile, and it will get better somehow.

Useless Body Parts

Somehow the manicure I got TUESDAY is still perfectly intact. After 4 whole days. Of dishes, bathroom cleaning, sprinkler repair, weeding a garden, and wiping a poopy butt. Oh, and taking down some of our inspected hurricane shutter panels, too. One more reason not to regret my special day I had all by myself in selfish land.

http://cbs4.com/slideshows/useless.body.parts.20.314014.html?rid=12