I am Selfish and Mean and Judgemental

May 19, 2008 at 6:30 pm Leave a comment

Dear (insert your name here),

If you are not interested in how mean I am, and my self analysis and therapy session I had with myself, then quit reading this post now. If you choose to read, it is important to read this whole damn thing, so you understand.  Please don’t send me anything gross in the mail, or think I hate anyone mentioned in this post. It is quite the opposite.

I am self conscious and concerned about what other people think of me because I know what mean things I think about other people. I not only think mean things, I judge them, make fun of them all the time, based on stupid shit like appearances, and am awful because of it. They probably think nothing of me. I am projecting my negative self image and low self esteem onto them.

I am trying to train myself to be a better person. I find myself frequently wondering what others think of me. What do they think when they see what I am wearing? That I look too slutty, too frumpy, too young to be a mom, or just plain stupid? Do they look at me and think I am conceited, too good for them, or a dumb blonde? When they see me with my husband, do they think something different of me? I know they do. Then they look at me like I am more patient and kind than they would have thought, like I am a “nice person”. That is because he is in a wheelchair.

When people see me pulling into a handicapped space in the parking lot, do they think I am being lazy or rude? How do their thoughts change when they see me pull a stroller and wheelchair out of the trunk? Then do they believe me?

I am a judger of people as well. I don’ mean to be. I get mad when I see cars in the handicapped spots, taking up a space where my husband could have parked. I know they could have some heart problems or soemthing. But honestly, most of the cars I see parked in handicapped spaces have no Handiman sign hanging up.  They are not limping, nor do they appear to be in pain, confined to a wheelchair, etc. I get really pissed when I see they are just fat that makes them unable to walk far.  Which is why they are fat.  Endless cycle? They are making an effort not to walk a little farther or eat better. They are not paralyzed and unable to feel anything or walk or get on top of their wives to to have sex. It’s not like it is necessary for him to be closer to the store. He needs the extra room to assemble and get into his chair. And when motorcycles park in those cross hatched areas by the spaces, I get SO. PISSED. OFF.

So I am judgmental and mean. Last night I saw just how my mind works in this way and felt very guilty, sad, angry, and apologetic.

I like to read Dooce. I may be addicted to it. Almost every day I turn on the computer, I somehow migrate to her page. And I am entertained, sometimes laugh, and yesterday, cry. I think, hey, I want to meet her, she is someone I would be friends with. I would like to have a drink or ten with her and just hang out.

The author, Heather, has a four year old daughter. I have ofter wondered, when will she have another baby? Maybe she is too busy and has a profitable career and now doesn’t want one. Well, good for you Heather Armstrong. I bet you think I must be boring and have no goals and no ambitions and dreams of my own. I probably don’t have a life. Because I do want another baby, am begging for one, trying to convince my husband that it is time to try again. Does she want one? Is she one of those “have only one kid” kinda people, because I think everyone should have a brother or sister or someone to play with/get in trouble with. I think it is, actually necessary. Don’t send me hate mail on this, I dont care.

I also think, her life must be fun. She goes on trips, has lots of dough from this website, she is always talking about how wonderful her husband is, has family nearby, friends, a cute kid, etc. And the girl can write. But I read her current page, and then felt guiltier then a motherf*#%$r for thinking all those things. I am a mean girl. I am sorry Heather. I hope that everything that you are going through doesn’t hurt too much, that you can heal, and I want you to have everything you deserve. You are a fun, witty, enviable woman who makes my day a bit brighter. DO what you gotta do, smile, and it will get better somehow.

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Entry filed under: babies, HandiMan Files, Mommy Life. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

Useless Body Parts Snorey McFarterson

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